When the Cracks Show

I’ve been quiet recently.

Not that people would necessarily notice – I’m something of an introvert at the best of times, and I’ve done my fair share of laughing and geeking out at Things On The Internet(TM), so you’d be forgiven for thinking that all is well.

But here’s the thing.

A large contingent of my health comes down to stress. I know this, because every time I am in highly stressful situations, my seizure frequency rockets. And this means that I cannot afford to spend all my days stressed and worried, because if I do, I’ll end up having multiple seizures every day and being unable to take care of my children properly.

So instead, I laugh. I read a book; I write something; I listen to very loud music, and I sing “lalala I’m not LISTENING” to the news because if I don’t, the illusion that I’m fine won’t hold up. And given that I work really hard to maintain this illusion, I usually figure it would be a waste. It’s bad enough when I keel over on the school playground once. If I do it the next day as well, or even the next week, people start to comment.

In the last few weeks, the British government has rolled out a succession of bills and proposals and now a budget which will, all told, decimate the lives of a great many people in social brackets I fall into. How badly will I be affected? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t dared sit down and crunch the sums. I’ve done my best not even to read the news, really, because even from the headlines, the news is bad enough.

I wish I could say I was shocked. I wish I could say I was horrified, or appalled, or terrified. But really, I just feel a little numb. Detached, thanks to the weeks of blindly telling myself that it’ll all work out somehow, even though I knew that things stood a good chance of going this way from the moment the election results were announced. All my bare-faced denial couldn’t change that.

So please. Don’t think I’m ignorant or uncaring when I share stupid videos, or geek out about anime and video games. I’m just trying extra hard not to let anyone see the cracks in this mask, because if it falls apart, I think I might as well.